Death cannot be compared.  Grief cannot be compared.

My babies’ death will always be mine.  For as long as I am alive, my miscarriage will always be my biggest loss.

The way I see it, grief is like a snowflake.  There are similarities but there is no two the same.  Grief is a slow descent; it hits the warm ground melting into a water droplet creating space.  But sometimes the water freezes making it difficult to move, becoming stuck like ice.   So this is my grief , it’s the ice, and it’s stuck.

Pain is not meant to be compared, it’s meant to be shared

-Ashley Stock

I saw a quote from another grieving mother on Instagram, her name is Ashley Stock.  She lost her three year old daughter, Stevie to DIPG, a form of relentless cancer.  In an Instagram post she writes, “Pain is not meant to be compared, it’s meant to be shared”.  This struck a huge chord in me because she’s right!  I have a right to be in pain.  It’s ok for me to grieve.  I don’t need permission to be sad over my twins’ death.  I want to share my story.   They mattered, so did their deaths.  It all matters when we walked down this path of parenthood that didn’t happen on the earthside. We have to stop comparing our grief.

For so long, I had guilt about missing my babies and compared my grief to other stories.  I buried it. I always wondered, “how can I hang on to pain for so long when I didn’t feel them?” , “people must think I’m crazy because I talk about them so much”, “maybe they’re right, I am lucky I wasn’t too far along”.  But then I come to and realize that thinking that way is crap.  Complete and utter crap.  We shouldn’t compare our losses because we should be comforting each other.  Comparing a loss is just cruel.  It’s minimizing life.  It’s lessening the importance.  Regardless, if your miscarriage happened at 3 weeks or 30 weeks, that child is loved, wished for, dreamed of, and so important. 

I have a right to grieve. It’s ok that I will never get over my children dying before me.  I should be able to talk about my miscarriage and not worry about comparing another miscarriage and wondering “oh, they had it worse off than me”.  It’s this type of thinking that’s toxic and I am over it.  I should be able to miss the four hands I never got to hold.  The two voices I never heard. The two faces I didn’t get to kiss.  This is what I miss.  It is what I grieve.  This is my loss.

My story is mine.  It is unique.

My hope for you is that you give yourself permission to cry and find the opportunities to miss your child or children.  I hope that you grieve your loss as long as you need to.  I really hope that you stop comparing your grief. Stop comparing your sadness to mine, to someone else’s, or allow anyone to minimize your loss.  Your grief and your loss matters.  Feel it, embrace it, and heal with it. Use your experience to do some good in our world.

This is your story.  It is unique.